When I finished writing yesterday I called my grandfather. I had not spoken to him since we found out the news. Not because I didn't want to, but because I was scared. I was scared to call him because of what the phone call might entail, I have never wanted anything more than to make him proud (obviously this situation is not something to be proud of). As crazy as he is, I love and respect him so much and he was the one person I had yet to speak to. I was angry with myself for waiting for so long, but it came down to the fact that I missed the heck out of him. We made it through the call with minimal tears and I felt relieved and happy to have those regular phone chats scheduled again.
After that I started looking at other Mom's blogs about their Trisomy babies. I guess the reality of it all brought me back to Earth. One blog in particular spoke of a Mom delivering her baby after she had already passed on. She talked about how all she could say to the baby as she was holding her in her arms was "I'm sorry".
All I want to say to Dalton is that, I'm sorry that I caused this in his little body. I'm sorry that I have been stressed for a lot of my pregnancy. I'm sorry I pretend to be okay with this all. And most importantly, I'm sorry for what is to come. I am trying my hardest to use God's strength to carry me through. I never question if his strength will be enough to help me, but I do question if my strength will be.
I am putting a picture of the autumn leaves because the day we found out Dalton's diagnosis I remember driving home and looking at all the colored leaves (this is a big deal to a Florida girl) and being reminded of God's grace and beauty. Only something this beautiful can come from Him. Anyways, in an effort to brighten my day I am putting this picture up.
Nehemiah 8:10
Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.
Yes...you are allowed. You are human.
ReplyDeleteNo, there is no apology needed. You are not responsible in any way for Dalton's condition. All you have done is loved him and cared for him better than any mother I know. He loves you and will never blame you for your love is pure.
God understands, we understand. You ARE so strong. We love you so much.
Kara, this post absolutely breaks my heart! Yes, you are certainly entitled to a bad day - several, in fact. But you did NOT cause this!! I truly hope you have since come to a place where you no longer believe that. Still praying for you.
ReplyDeleteKara- Your words are beautiful and touching. You are not to blame. That would be like me blaming myself for getting cancer. You are a great mommy already and you will continue to be a great mommy for Dalton. . .and he knows it!! You are all in my thoughts and prayers. xo
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