I feel like I just need to write at this point and get some of my feelings out on the table. Yesterday and today have sucked. There is no better word for it, they have just been crummy days. After I wrote my post yesterday I was feeling pretty low. I knew that there were going to be bad days and good days, but I am not sure that I have allowed myself the pleasure of a bad day yet. I have been pushing forward so hard and fast just to keep my mind off of everything.
When I finished writing yesterday I called my grandfather. I had not spoken to him since we found out the news. Not because I didn't want to, but because I was scared. I was scared to call him because of what the phone call might entail, I have never wanted anything more than to make him proud (obviously this situation is not something to be proud of). As crazy as he is, I love and respect him so much and he was the one person I had yet to speak to. I was angry with myself for waiting for so long, but it came down to the fact that I missed the heck out of him. We made it through the call with minimal tears and I felt relieved and happy to have those regular phone chats scheduled again.
After that I started looking at other Mom's blogs about their Trisomy babies. I guess the reality of it all brought me back to Earth. One blog in particular spoke of a Mom delivering her baby after she had already passed on. She talked about how all she could say to the baby as she was holding her in her arms was "I'm sorry".
All I want to say to Dalton is that, I'm sorry that I caused this in his little body. I'm sorry that I have been stressed for a lot of my pregnancy. I'm sorry I pretend to be okay with this all. And most importantly, I'm sorry for what is to come. I am trying my hardest to use God's strength to carry me through. I never question if his strength will be enough to help me, but I do question if my strength will be.
I am putting a picture of the autumn leaves because the day we found out Dalton's diagnosis I remember driving home and looking at all the colored leaves (this is a big deal to a Florida girl) and being reminded of God's grace and beauty. Only something this beautiful can come from Him. Anyways, in an effort to brighten my day I am putting this picture up.
Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.