Sunday, August 26, 2012

The Ugly Truth

Wow! So a few changes since you last heard from the Koetter clan. We have moved back to Jupiter, Florida (my hometown) for Jonathan's job and to be closer to family. I think I honestly thought that this move back to a place I am so familiar with was going to be a walk in the park. Boy was I wrong. Trying to switch all of Dalton's doctors and therapists has turned out to be quite the undertaking. We are literally at the Doctor or at therapy every single day of the week. I feel like I haven't had a second to breathe. To be honest, it hasn't been the easiest transition. We have had a few more medical issues to deal with and try and figure out. I think Jonathan and I felt we were out of the woods for a while but once again, Dalton likes to keep us guessing. We are dealing with a lot of GI issues, spinal problems, and some potential neurological concerns. On top of that, Dalton's upper respitory problems have only gotten worse, the breathing treatments are helping though! I think a lot of my frustration with the move has been due to the fact that when you leave a place (like Atlanta) with such a plethora of Doctors, you get accustomed to having choices for which specialists you see. Not here. There is one pediatric specialist and that's it! I am now realizing to get the quality of care that Dalton needs, some travel will need to take place. We also had an MRI completed last week. He had to be intebated because of the length of the scan. It was a lovely 8 hour day and Dalton kept those nurses wrapped around his 6 little fingers.

 Now, there are also plenty of good things that have come from this move! For one, we bought a new house! Yay! It is the perfect Florida house and we get to move in a couple of weeks. We also get to spend lots of time with my family, which has just been such a blessing. I feel like I have so much time to make up for, and they really do take a lot of the stress away from me. Whether its cooking us dinner on a busy night, cleaning the dishes and bottles, or keeping Dalton so we can do a weekly date night- they have been amazing.
Now that the update is done, the reason for this vent session. I want no pity, nothing telling me otherwise, these are my feelings and I am entitled to them.

Yes, things may appear easy and peachy on the outside. There is an ugly truth though, one that I am finally comfortable putting out there. I feel as if I am drowning. I feel as if I am not being the best mother I can be to Dalton because of the stress I am under from trying to "figure it all out". I am slowly coming to the realization that this is something that I truly need to put into God's hands. I feel like I have drifted in my faith. And that is a hard thing for me to admit. Yes, I thank God everyday for Dalton and what he is doing in his life. But, when it comes to being a great Mom, I question my decisions on a daily basis. Being the mother of a child with special needs is like nothing you can actually understand until you have walked in our shoes. Our life is different. We celebrate the tiny victories, things that may seem minor to most but monumental to us. I am not calling anyone elses problems rudimentary or invalid  but as I said before, this is just a vent session, and all I am saying is that it is just different. This experience has just shown me how truly different every single parenting experience is. All I can trust in is the fact that I am giving 110% every single day to get Dalton the best care I can. I think along with his care, I am realizing that I need to start to take care of myself if I am going to take the best care of him. I finally started talking to someone and I have high hopes that she will be able to help me create this balance in my life. When all you do every day is talk about the medical problems that your child has and is experiencing, you begin to lose sense of reality. Your mind just lives in a Doctors office, and its really hard to shake that and enter back into real life. That balance is so essential and I am really hoping to be able to achieve that. This has definitely been yet another journey for our little family. But honestly, when things get crazy, we just stare into the biggest baby blues and all our anxieties just seem to melt away.

A couple recent pictures and the best video ever!

Dalton has just discovered how to bounce in his exersaucer. And to say he loves it would be an understatement!

One day after PT, he was very pleased with his performance!

Dalton and Gigi at his first reggae show, he loves live music like his Mama.