People have been asking me how I am doing. I can honestly say, I am doing okay. I have my moments. At random points in the day I will have a break down but then I snap out of it and continue with the task at hand. I have explained to several people who has asked that I did not know such a wide spectrum of emotions all at once was possible. But it is. I am tipping the scale with excitement to finally meet our little angel but yet I am also on that other side of the scale full of fear and worry for what our reality may be. It's almost like I feel guilty for being sad during what should be such a joyous time in our lives. And it's true, the reality is, I am sad.
I'm sad for the fear I have in actually having him here. I'm sad for what his little body will have to endure. I'm sad for the loss of what should have been a normal pregnancy. I'm sad that I cry so much when I should be jumping for joy that I have the opportunity to bring a life into this world for however long he may be here.
But on the complete flipside, I am happy.
I'm happy I finally get to see his little face in real life. I'm happy I get to cradle him in my arms. I'm happy Jonathan gets to experience what I have for the last 9 months. I'm happy to show him off to the world. I'm happy I get to smell that new baby smell on my new baby. I'm happy to continue sharing his touching story with all who care to listen.
The most important thing that I have wanted Dalton to feel this entire time and when he enters this place is how much he is loved. No matter what his challenges may be, he is our son and no one can take that fact away from us. His Daddy and I tell him several times a day and I know he feels it from inside of me. God has blessed us with an angel and he has given us the opportunity to carry him and know him the best way he sees fit.
The way I have been looking at this entire birthing process has been so different from what I have ever seen anyone else go through. It's not like in the movies, push a baby out, have them snug in a bed next you, and then go home like one happy family. Being prepared to have Dalton whisked away to the NICU with his Daddy has been something I have been mentally working up to. Luckily, my Mom will be in the room with us to be with me when they both leave. I received the best advice from Kalee a couple of weeks ago. She told me that when she was going through this experience her Mom told her to be selfish and tell people what you want. Now, those that know me, know I have some issues with that. I hate to hurt feelings. But in this situation I am prepared to bring out my innermost Mama Bear and make it all about Dalton, Jonathan, and I. The fact that only two people will be able to be brought back into the NICU with us means that it's not going to be a free for all by his bedside. It is going to be very controlled and peaceful, because that is what he needs. I pray for the strength to allow my wishes to be known to all. We know so many people love and support him, but the trust in any decision making or visitation has got to be put into mine and Jonathan's hands.
The foggy weather in Atlanta this week has been so fitting for our situation. I feel like my head is in a fog when I am trying so hard to keep my focus on the Lord, Jonathan, and Dalton. With so many things clouding my vision I am praying for clarity in what is to come. My need to have everything planned and ready to go will most likely go out the window as soon as I hold our little boy. In these next few days please pray for our peace, clarity, and for Dalton. We are moved in hearing how he has changed so many lives already. One thing is for sure, no matter what, we wouldn't change a thing about him.
We will be giving updates here on the blog so feel free to check back on Monday when we can finally post a live picture of him! We will also let everyone know when he is situated in the NICU and we can start having visitors. Thank you so much for all of your love and prayers for our little boy. I do not think we could have made it through without each and every one of you. We love you all and we feel so blessed!
Dalton at 37 weeks. Yawning profile. Wasn't too happy we woke him up!
Dalton at 38 weeks. Out last 3D ultrasound. So ready to squeeze those cheeks.